Manda's Guide to Playing a Survival Horror game:
- Look for an adventure game. Find you've played them all. Out of sheer boredom pick up the one other game you have that requires a gun.
- Turn out all the lights for atmosphere.
- Go to menu screen. Immediately get intimidated by just the screen.
- Start game. Spend as much time as possible in the beginning level where you can look at the pretty village/training grounds/abandoned city and be content with this existence.
- Do this until the game grows weary of your wimpy ways and almost physically push your controller hands to just freakin' get a move on already.
- Turn back on the lights.
- Pick up weapon. Button mash your way to figure out how on earth it works. Then try to figure out which button mash combination actually made it shoot.
- Shout in joy when you make it shoot. Feel somewhat like a caveman discovering fire. Shoot the wall in glee before you realize that bullets are a finite resource. Oops.
- Tell stupid scary music to stop playing. Realize that music cannot hear you over it's own scariness.
- Physically jump off the couch when something grumbles and roars in the distance. Hope no one saw.
- Prepare yourself to walk around the corner, guns blazing, and be the totally most badass crazy zombie killer there ever was.
- Scream instead. Flail your arms even though that doesn't make the controls work better. Shoot the wall. Shoot the ceiling. Shoot your own blood stains. Never ever hit the zombie.
- Watch yourself die in a bloody bloody mess.
- Quit game. Call your survival horror gaming friend. Have him play it while you cower in a corner and give "advice" mostly consisting of "DON'T GO IN THAT ROOM!"
- Go to bed. Never sleep.
