Guide to Survival Horrors

No games lately, but I'm in a typing mood, so I present:

Manda's Guide to Playing a Survival Horror game:

1. Look for an adventure game.  Find you've played them all.  Out of sheer boredom pick up the one other game you have that requires a gun.
2. Turn out all the lights for atmosphere.
3. Go to menu screen.  Immediately get intimidated by just the screen.
4. Start game.  Spend as much time as possible in the beginning level where you can look at the pretty village/training grounds/abandoned city and be content with this existence.
5. Do this until the game grows weary of your wimpy ways and almost physically push your controller hands to just freakin' get a move on already.
6. Turn back on the lights.
7. Pick up weapon.  Button mash your way to figure out how on earth it works.  Then try to figure out which button mash combination actually made it shoot.
8. Shout in joy when you make it shoot.  Feel somewhat like a caveman discovering fire.  Shoot the wall in glee before you realize that bullets are a finite resource.  Oops.
9. Tell stupid scary music to stop playing.  Realize that music cannot hear you over it's own scariness.
10. Physically jump off the couch when something grumbles and roars in the distance.  Hope no one saw. 
11. Prepare yourself to walk around the corner, guns blazing, and be the totally most badass crazy zombie killer there ever was.
12. Scream instead. Flail your arms even though that doesn't make the controls work better.  Shoot the wall.  Shoot the ceiling.  Shoot your own blood stains.  Never ever hit the zombie.
13. Watch yourself die in a bloody bloody mess.
14. Quit game.  Call your survival horror gaming friend.  Have him play it while you cower in a corner and give "advice" mostly consisting of "DON'T GO IN THAT ROOM!"
15. Go to bed.  Never sleep.